The Polish Change

Change yet again has hit home.  Change in a good way but I am leaving behind a work family.  I have accepted a promotion at work, while it includes a significant increase in pay along with an extra week of vacation every year, my own laptop, the ability to work from home.  I am still leaving behind a group of people I have worked with for a couple years now and I am not talking just coworkers, I am leaving behind my book of business who I have been their sole contact at work and have gained great relationships with.  Change must happen and its a good change as it means more income and an iota of less stress about bills.  Who knows which job I will like better but this new position has abilities that I did not have in the previous position. 

After work today a time of laundry and packing so I can get up at 4 am and go to the airport...7 hours of travel for 1.5 days of visiting and then on Sunday 12 hours of travel back home...but to see a lady I have not seen in 6 years who is getting on in her years..worth every minute.  Better make sure I check my baggage for anything over 3.5 ounces :( 

Had some good viddles for dinner last night, quite a nice surprise to go to the Olive Garden, was very tasty...leftovers for lunch!

Well thats all I have as nature is calling and I better answer it or risk letting nature speak all over my clothes.

Book smarts vs Street smarts...the face off.

Growing up I was always pushed to excel as I was a very bright child.  The problem is the one area I never really had much time for is street smarts.  I had friends that had great street smarts but I always had my nose in a book or doing home work or something such as this.  I graduated from highschool thinking I had it all planned out and WHAM was hit by reality.  I had no one keeping on me to keep my nose to the grind and ended up dropping out of college due to drinking (I am speaking of a fifth of Jack a night or more) and skipping class and needing to find a job to support a pregnant fiancee. 

Some of us always dreamed of having a family, even as young teenagers, the feeling of having a child running up to you and wrapping their arms around you.  Snuggling up in your lap to watch cartoons.  Watching them play with play-doh at the table.  Running around outside with them.  No one ever dreams of having to do that as a single parent.  I am not sure where things will end up relationship wise in my life but I just dont know how much I like the idea of being single.  Not only the companionship but lets face it, I am a hornball.  I was speaking to a friend last night regarding this, talking about how so many people are vanilla in relation to how wild and crazy their sex life is, I cannot be a vanilla as I am just too out there in my sexual fantasies and experimental thoughts.  She made a great point, a chocolate bean can never be a vanilla bean which I responded to by saying that sadly chocolate and vanilla make a horrible milk shake.  Eventually I will have to find another chocolate in regards to sex life because I have learned that if one has a high and wild sex drive and one is very vanilla and doesn't want it often, doesn't matter how hard you try it seems impossible to be.

I am reaching out to all of the chocolates out there, how do you make it by, how do I spot another chocolate without finding a hooker (blech). 

Taking a trip soon, going to see an old friend who may pass away soon so it will be an interesting 3 day trip to AZ.  Still kinda sore from hauling brush the other day but C'est la vie.  I will stretch it out eventually.

Coming to you from a desk in a snooze fest, leading the way with my bratwurst, Cap'n Midget out!

The move

Though I dont mind buying stuff which is a form of change, I hate most change.  Change of divorce, change of kids growing up and becoming more independent, change of moving desks at work even bothers me.  Its a bit whiney but dammit why do they need to move us, lets just cause unnecessary chaos.  And if I have to have one more needle shoved up my damn nuts I am gonna scream.  Though I hope this biopsy finally has a resolution as two inconclusive results is a bit unnerving.  My fingers are crossed again for this next test.  Has not been taken yet but we shall see what happens.

Sleep has been interesting lately, to many dreams that are overly active and they cause me to bolt upright in a cold sweat, dreams of many different natures but all causing me to lose sleep. I miss my kids every time I have to be away from them and this is part of my dreams, I know they look forward to me spending time with them.  When will it all settle down.

I watch people that are incredibly happy around me, happy to be married, happy to be engaged, happy to be dating, or even happy to be single.  I remember happy, I am not depressed by any means but I miss companionship, knowing there is someone to talk to when you get home, someone to watch a movie with.  My kids are great for that but conversations with kids between 3-4 years old.....can't really discuss politics or books or work.  Though I do love hearing about their day and having them sit in my lap and snuggle up with me watching tv, best part of my day. 

Another day, another dollar.  A quiet evening, I am thinking cold beer, chips and dip.  My Cinco De Mayo

In the distance

He stands on the corner, watching her walk away.  This is the her that matters but he knows that if he ever hopes to have that chance again, he has to let her walk away.  Though he wants to run after her and carry her over the threshold but he knows that would smother her and cause her to run faster.  So he will stand on this corner, as she went to walk away, he told her to remember that he does love her and that he will always be here for her.  Though he tries hard, he cannot stop himself from thinking back to their first kiss, that first time she closed her eyes leaning in to him.  Waking up next to her, feeling her soft skin against his.  Time is weird, and though it took forever to have her for this short period, he is willing to wait another fifty years...that is, if she truely wants him back ever again.....this he does not know but he will not smother, he will just be there in case she needs a friend to talk to. 

I didnt have much time to do much thinking this weekend, but sometimes the thoughts hit you when your not trying to think.  What am I doing....where do I go next in life, the doctor got back to me stating that the test was inconclusive and has to be run again, so I get to go have another needle stuck into a most sensative area.  More pain but I would want to know.  Do I plan for a long future?  I know I have to spend as much time with my kids as possible in case that future is cut short.  I had a great time with them this weekend, snuggling up watching a movie with them, taking them to the circus.  I hate having no one to talk to about this, this wall of nothing is my outlet.

Fishing is coming up, I cannot wait to get out on the water.....thats all I have about that.

I hope anyone who reads this is having a good day.  If you have kids, don't waste a moment of time with them, I can't imagine ever losing mine or leaving them behind with them so young.  If you are happily married, do something special for that person, if your marriage is struggling, go above and beyond.  Dont sit and do nothing, there isn't that much time in the scheme of things, use it.

Long Long ago in a far away galaxy

Ok so bad star wars reference.  Everyone has one of those names that just sticks in their head from an extremely early age, I am talking back when images are blurry and you arn't sure if you actually remember or are just forming images from stories.  I have two of them, Jacob Forseth(sp) and the only reason I remember his name is because he gave me a nasty glare one day from across the street, why this mattered?  I have no idea, but apparently at that age, that caused a memory to be formed.  I remember my bus number 81 and the final thing I remember from headstart is a name Shannon Hafdahl.  Well until today they were just memories.  The other day I happened to run across the name Shannon Hafdahl at my work, figured...yeah there is no way.  Well I talked to her today....the one and the same.  Talk about a 20 year time lapse between conversations.  Hoping to catch up with her and find out where the hell she disappeared too once our school closed so long ago. 

On another note, someone must have won the bet in my family because once again my dad has proven that the best way to get him to break up with a horrible girlfriend....get em married.  No offense to him but his track record is 0-3 with short marriages in all.  Well good riddance to bad rubbish, she was a money grubbing whore anyways and he was the only one that didnt see it. 

This weekend is panning out to be quite the busy event, tonight I have to go buy stuff to make strawberry pizza for banquet tomorrow, then make the crust tonight, in the morning taking the kids to the Shrine Circus and then up to the Archery Banquet in the evening then after that I am going to watch UFC fight and Chili and Beer at a friends.  Sunday its off to work on my friends boat and then have Fried chicken at night mmmmm.....then back to work monday :(  

On a sleepy note, I hate waking up in the middle of the night to a weird but horrible dream.  Its odd how you can fear something from a dream will come true, not like blue monkeys flinging blaze orange poo or anything but still weird stuff.  I am still trying to come to grasp with the reeling feelings going through me.  So much has changed in the last year that its hard to figure out which way my head is on.  I hope that whatever the doc found is not the bad thing because I really truely want to see my kids get older and have kids of their own.....huh, its odd how some days you can want to die to get away from the pain and then one day you find out you may die a lot sooner then you thought and you start to regret alot of things.  Though it may just be nothing it could also be something and that scares me....Until another day My Murphy Minions....though there are none yet, if you are reading this I at least have one who is thinking about becoming a Minion.  Enjoy every second, if you have kids, give them a kiss, if you fish...well what you do with a fish is your business not mine.  Adios till next time.

Cap'n Midget

A beginning, an end, and a short time.

Im not sure why I feel the need to write, I know I need to but what caused this I am not sure.  People tell me I am good at writing, but I think I am just good at letting my fingers find words that fit.  Life seemed so certain at one point, I could look ahead and I knew exactly how I was going to do things and when it was going to happen.  Then I met her, now there have been many her's in my life but only three have really mattered.  The first her that mattered dated me for a month and has since become a lifelong best friend....yeah I know what your thinking.  The second her showed up during the middle of highschool and nothing much happened till the last day of high school.  The third her was someone who opened my eyes and taught me that I like pushing boundaries but as soon as she was there she was gone.  Back to the second her, she became my girlfriend on the last day of  highschool, which quickly lead to fiancee a good few months later.  She is now the mother of my two children who in all honesty are the only reason I get up every day.  They can push me to the brink of insanity but then one will run up, wrap her arms around me and give me a kiss and the world is right again.  Their mother on the other hand is a whole different case of nuts.  She was my first long term girlfriend and was a different experiance from the beginning, what I would learn later would cost me seven years of hell, well five years before I started to get fed up with the shit and two years of pain after that.  Then there is the third her.  It was quite unexpected that she would come back into my life, the problem is someone forgot to tell fate to wait six months so that things could work.  For the first time in years I felt something I hadn't in a long time if ever, I felt hope.  Now dont get me wrong, my kids give me hope (not that bullshit Obama hope, real hope), they give me purpose, they give me joy, they give me worries.  I am talking about hope that a future that doesn't involve me being alone does exist, a future where maybe I can share a warm bed with someone, come home and have someone there to talk with and someone to listen to my hunting stories, someone to share the porch with me while watching grandchildren play.  I knew something was special the day I laid eyes on her, and all the time I knew her so long ago, she just had this quality about her that could make a horrible day bad and even had the power to make an addict quit.  She inspired me in a way I had not been inspired, words flowed onto paper like they had not in years.  Whenever the thought of her, or words of hers were before my eyes, I felt a glow in my chest.  Now I feel knives.  No blame can be placed on anyone because as I said, fate screwed up, apparently fate wears a timex and forgot to change the batteries.  Then I go into see cap'n doc and he goes for a turn your head and cough moment.  There are many scary parts in life "Im pregnant" (age 19) "Im pregnant" (age 20) "There's a lump" (24).....Who do I talk to?  There is no point telling anyone until I find out what it is.  So I write to you oh wall of nothing.  Who shall read you?  Where do I go from here....onward is the only direction for now but where does this lead?  Happy Sad Anger Elation Hurt.....all can lie ahead but only God and fate knows and dammit fate I will send you a new watch so you better get it right if I ever get a chance again.