A beginning, an end, and a short time.

Im not sure why I feel the need to write, I know I need to but what caused this I am not sure.  People tell me I am good at writing, but I think I am just good at letting my fingers find words that fit.  Life seemed so certain at one point, I could look ahead and I knew exactly how I was going to do things and when it was going to happen.  Then I met her, now there have been many her's in my life but only three have really mattered.  The first her that mattered dated me for a month and has since become a lifelong best friend....yeah I know what your thinking.  The second her showed up during the middle of highschool and nothing much happened till the last day of high school.  The third her was someone who opened my eyes and taught me that I like pushing boundaries but as soon as she was there she was gone.  Back to the second her, she became my girlfriend on the last day of  highschool, which quickly lead to fiancee a good few months later.  She is now the mother of my two children who in all honesty are the only reason I get up every day.  They can push me to the brink of insanity but then one will run up, wrap her arms around me and give me a kiss and the world is right again.  Their mother on the other hand is a whole different case of nuts.  She was my first long term girlfriend and was a different experiance from the beginning, what I would learn later would cost me seven years of hell, well five years before I started to get fed up with the shit and two years of pain after that.  Then there is the third her.  It was quite unexpected that she would come back into my life, the problem is someone forgot to tell fate to wait six months so that things could work.  For the first time in years I felt something I hadn't in a long time if ever, I felt hope.  Now dont get me wrong, my kids give me hope (not that bullshit Obama hope, real hope), they give me purpose, they give me joy, they give me worries.  I am talking about hope that a future that doesn't involve me being alone does exist, a future where maybe I can share a warm bed with someone, come home and have someone there to talk with and someone to listen to my hunting stories, someone to share the porch with me while watching grandchildren play.  I knew something was special the day I laid eyes on her, and all the time I knew her so long ago, she just had this quality about her that could make a horrible day bad and even had the power to make an addict quit.  She inspired me in a way I had not been inspired, words flowed onto paper like they had not in years.  Whenever the thought of her, or words of hers were before my eyes, I felt a glow in my chest.  Now I feel knives.  No blame can be placed on anyone because as I said, fate screwed up, apparently fate wears a timex and forgot to change the batteries.  Then I go into see cap'n doc and he goes for a turn your head and cough moment.  There are many scary parts in life "Im pregnant" (age 19) "Im pregnant" (age 20) "There's a lump" (24).....Who do I talk to?  There is no point telling anyone until I find out what it is.  So I write to you oh wall of nothing.  Who shall read you?  Where do I go from here....onward is the only direction for now but where does this lead?  Happy Sad Anger Elation Hurt.....all can lie ahead but only God and fate knows and dammit fate I will send you a new watch so you better get it right if I ever get a chance again.